RSVP

If I had the chance to plan an ultimate birthday party for one of my friends, I don't think I will be able to just choose one. Since all three of my best friends birthday is in the summer, I think I will celebrate theirs all together. I would want to plan a trip to an tropical island. I would invite all our closest friends and family. We would stay for 5 days and enjoy the luxury of a five star hotel. We would enjoy what ever events the hotel had to offer, but also go and enjoy the culture of the indigenous people. Hopefully this won't be just a dream and an actual reality one day. 

Beginning to Accept Me

My Insecurities... 

Talk about something that I would never mention to anyone. Talk about something that I would never mention to anyone. Talk about something that I would never mention to anyone. As I rack my brain to think about the one thing I would never mention to others, one thing popped into my head. My insecurities. But, what about my insecurities should I explain. Is it my fear of loneliness, thinking I have not accomplish any goals at my age,  not thinking I am pretty enough, not liking my body type and wishing that I was slimmer. What should I say. I figured why not speak on all of them. They are all a constant battle for me. So hear it goes. 

FEAR OF BEING ALONE /MY TIMELINE

My whole entire life I have had this timeline in front of me. Goals I wanted to accomplish by a certain age in life. Graduate high school by 18, graduate college by 22, be in a long term relationship by 23, have a high paying job by 25, married by 27, first child by 28, own my dream home by 30. By my 25th and 26th birthday, I realized that half of this items on this timeline was not met. A lot of them had to do with my personal life. This began to freak me out. I began to have a midlife crisis and my biological clock was ticking at the age of 26. I began to look for my long term relationship in all the wrong places. I even began to look at my ex boyfriends as people I may get back with. I began to wonder, where was I actually going wrong. 

My last serious relationship ended in 2008. We were together for a year, and I never received closure. He ended the relationship through a text with the excuse that he could not do a long distance relationship. Come to find out, he wanted to end the relationship so he could talk to someone else. I did not find out the truth until 2009. This began my downfall of dating people without knowing what I really wanted out of it. I thought that if someone I actually gave thought into dating could hurt me, then why not just date those who I really did not think I was a match with. Before I knew it, I was 23 and still not happy with the people I was dating. I began to write a list of things I liked and did not like in a guy. I began to actually think about what I wanted. 

So I got a late start, I am still single and looking for my Mr. Right instead of my Mr. Right Now (so cliche, I know). I had to learn to let this whole idea of having a timeline go. You know, put it in God's hands. I had to begin to look at everything I had accomplish. I graduated high school at 18, college at 22, and even graduate school at 25. I work in a field that I love, social work, and get to work with youth on a daily basis. Its not about the money but actually doing what you love. I have a closer relationship with God and had begin to love me and open up to people. To me I have accomplished a lot. 

ATTRACTIVENESS/AM I TOO FAT?

My appearance has been something I struggled with for a long time. I have always been the chubby girl, the big friend in the group. My best friend since 8 has been skinny all her life. I became insecure in the way I looked and how people looked at me. I began to dislike who I was. I affected who I chose to date. I began to date anyone who gave me attention. I used to look in the mirror at myself and wonder who was this girl, why didn't people think she was attractive, why couldn't she be placed in a different body. I hated my thoughts and knew I had to change my attitude. I began to speak positive words to myself daily. Build my character up, like me for me. 

Its a daily struggle, but I'm getting there. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MYSELF. I look in the mirror and smile at the women I have become. I have learned that just because you are a different body type does not mean you aren't beautiful, sexy, that you cant have a successful relationship, or that others don't consider you as attractive. There will people int his world who will never like the person you are, but then there are those that embrace you. Self-confidence comes from within. You have to feel confident about yourself and have it radiate off your skin. When you feel good about yourself it begins to attract others towards you. One of my favorite fashion bloggers has helped me to love the skin I am in. Gabifresh embraces her curves and exudes self confidence. It made me say to myself, you know what Dianne, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, CURVES AND ALL. WHO DON'T LIKE IT, BITE IT. I LOVE ME.